I have the luxury of being provided with a chauffeur driven car by my employer. Like all things public sector, however, this benefit too comes with a lot of strings attached. One of these is that the employer will determine the brand of the car, the charges to be paid and the travel agency that will provide the car. The travel agencies are, in fact, empanelled by the bank for a period of a few years. Despite various covenants in the contract with the travel agency, one invariably ends up having a beaten down car with a beaten down driver. The agency tries to maximise its profits and hence hires the cheapest (cost/salary wise) thing that can stand on two feet and calls it a driver. One can and does of course complain against sub-standard car or service and is promptly redirected to another empanelled agency with even more disastrous results. Soon you realise that you have to learn to compromise for the sake of mental peace, even if travelling by this rickety contraption called a car bruises your ego badly.

Travelling by this rickety contraption called a car bruises your ego badly

My experiences in the past few years have been at times hilarious and at other times agonising. Just sharing a few of them with you to lighten my burden.

My first car and driver at my new office were pretty decent. The car was well maintained, the driver was well dressed and neat and clean. He would speak very little, which I liked a lot. I hate drivers and barbers who keep trying to chat you up – very intrusive. He, however, used to commute a long distance and used to hate duty on public holidays. Now, for me the holidays used to be the only days when I could go out shopping or to visit friends. The driver, however, once told me that any holiday for me should be a holiday for him also. I had to tell him politely that he better talk to his employer about this and not to me. I was provided a new driver.

He used to ferry fish from Sassoon Docks to Thane and that is the only route he knew

This new driver, who was brought up in the city itself (I.e. he was not new to the city), however did not know a single lane, road or destination in the city. Though living in Colaba, the driver did not know where Nariman Point was or even where Chowpatty was? On enquiry it was revealed that he used to ferry fish from Sassoon Docks to Thane and did not know any road other than the one leading to Thane. We had a rocking time with him, as long as he was with us, as a normal trip would take double the time. He would take wrong turns frequently and besides the car had to be stopped at 20 places to seek directions from a passer-by.

After my repeated complaints to the agency I was promised a new driver and the agency told me that he is being trained on general etiquettes of driving senior officials around. I was glad – someone taking so much trouble. Wow!

He told me that in this car windows can not be rolled up

The driver reported after about ten days and remained an understudy of my driver for the day. In the evening he was to drive me home, alone. I climbed into the car and closed the door behind me. As he started the car, I asked him to switch on the air-conditioning. He looked surprised, fidgeted with some of the buttons on the dashboard but it was obvious that he did not know how to switch on the air-conditioning. I stretched myself and switched on the AC and then told the driver to roll up his window. He reached for the handle and was totally flummoxed. There was no handle to roll up the window (the car had power windows in the front). So he flatly told me that in this car the windows can not be rolled up. This after about ten days of training! The mint fresh driver was an amateur and did not know driving. He hit an auto-rickshaw once, was challaned (given ticket) another time, just managed to avoid hitting a car and almost got beaten up by the car owner for the way he was driving. Obviously this driver too did not last too long with me.

Challaned for parking in a no parking spot, billed me for the same

Another driver who was sent on an errand by me nearby, was challaned for parking the car at a no parking spot and billed me for the same as he argued that he had gone out for my work.

On another occasion the driver provided was totally untrained and promptly hit a truck, denting the vehicle and breaking the lights. The driver was changed after my complaint but the agency had the audacity to tell me that they assumed that since I may be travelling short distances only, such a driver may do OK.

However, I could not put my life in danger.

Would you?